The Beginning of the End
Act 1
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword"
The Hymn
They cast their nets in Galilee just off the hills of brown
Such happy, simple fisher-folk, before the Lord came down
Contented, peaceful fishermen before they ever knew
The peace of God that filled their hearts brimful and broke them too
Young John who trimmed the flapping sail, homeless in Patmos died
Peter who hauled the teeming net, head-down was crucified
The peace of God it is no peace, but strife closed in the sod
Yet let us pray for but one thing--the marvelous peace of God
[Scene]
[Mom and Dad are sitting in their living room discussing their son who has become enthused with Biblical eschatology.]
Dad:
These religious nuts! What has he been reading anyway? If this goes on much longer, he's going to lose his scholarship. I'm going to call him right now.
[He starts to dial the phone, but Mom stops him]
Mom:
Let's give him a little time to work through this. He's smart and independent. The fanatics won't be able to fool him for long.
Dad:
Remember when he got involved with the health-food crazies. All we heard around here was anti-oxidants, calcium/magnesium supplements, and flax! Sixteen years old and he was already passionate about anti-aging and longevity. Flax! I give him some flax! [He reaches again for the phone]
Mom:
[She stops him]
Calm down! He didn't go off the deep end.
Dad:
You've forgotten how many bottles of pills he emptied every week? I'd call that off the deep end!
Mom:
He's a good kid. You know that. He wasn't on drugs or into the girls' pants.
Dad:
He's gullible.
Mom:
Trusting. Is that so bad at his age?
Dad:
So why doesn't he trust his physics professor instead of these religious kooks! I'm telling you, he's going to lose everything he's worked for. Sure he's smart, but there are lots of smart kids at that college! Even a three point grade average isn't good enough any more. If you want a decent job in this economy, you need to be in the top 1 percent!
Mom:
Calm down. Calmmmmm. [She strokes his head] It's a phase he's going through.
Dad:
[Calmer, but still not accepting this]
The world is full of cults and sects that predict the end of the world. They jerk people around to sell their books and paraphernalia. When doomsday doesn't come, they move their bank accounts and start a new publishing house.
[He leans back in the chair while Mom stokes his head.]
Mom:
The trouble is, he's just like his father. He gets something in his head and that's all he can think about. Why can't he just be an Episcopalian? Religion is hard enough to swallow when you get it out of the prayer book.
[They sit for a while. In a minute the phone rings]
Mom:
Hello? Well, imagine... we were just thinking of calling you.
[Did sits up and takes notice]
How are you? [She listens. Then she covers her eyes with her hand. She looks around, then at the ceiling. Finally exasperated.]
I think you should talk to your father.
Dad:
Hi, Brad. How ya doing guy? [He listens]
Yeah fine. We're fine here.
Whaaaaat? Brad we've taken you to church since you were a baby. The creed we recite every Sunday... . [He listens]
This sounds pretty kinky, Brad. Look, if God has anything to say to me, he knows where to find me. [He listens]
Brad, Brad, listen to me... I know... You don't have to tell me about the Middle East. It's been that way since before you were born. Before I was born. It's ancient history!
[He listens]
No I didn't know that. No. That sounds more like folklore than history.
Right, Alexander the Great. Uh huh. The little horn and the goat, yeah, I haven't got a pen handy. Ezekiel. Right! Daniel. Ok.
[He listens]
Now don't start on the Whore of Babylon and the city of seven hills. People have been saying that about the Catholic Church since the Reformation.
Look, Brad, this is old stuff. When I was your age they were telling us the population bomb was it. Two feet of space for every person on the planet. Pollution! Don't drink the water; don't breath the air. World War three!
It wasn't the end, Brad! You're going to have to grow up and get a job, just like I did. If you want to read the Bible, take a course in it. Study, study, study! When the world doesn't end, you'll be glad you did.
[He hangs up.]
[He looks at Mom in disbelief.]
Wasn't there a time when parents worried about what their kid was doing at the fraternity bash? Doesn't he know about the Seventh Day Adventists and Herbert W. Armstrong? I thought we'd had enough countdowns to Armageddon.
Mom:
I read about millenarian cults in a psychology course once. These people prepare for the end... when it doesn't come they have huge conflicts to resolve. They convince themselves that it was through their vigilance that the world was spared. Or they adjust the date of the apocalypse.
Dad:
What is wrong with our church that it isn't good enough for young Bradley? He asked if I have really, truly invited Jesus into my heart. Is that in the Bible? I don't remember hearing that in the Gospel lesson recently.
Mom:
So what's different about these cults from the early Christian church? Didn't they expect the end of the world too?
Dad:
That seems to have been part of it.
Mom:
So how do we know the church isn't just an illusion created by an ancient Jewish sect when the messiah didn't come?
Dad:
You're asking me? You need to call up the priest. [He hands her the phone.] Just a minute, I'll look up the number.
Mom:
Now don't get riled up again. I was just asking.
Dad:
Well, maybe we need to know. Sooner or later Brad is going to crash with this thing. We'll need to have some answers.
[He gets the telephone directory and looks up a number. Then he reads the number to her.]
624-5337
Mom:
I'm not going ask a priest why his church is different from the Cargo Cults of the South Pacific! If you're so determined, you call him.
Dad:
Fine! [He takes the phone and dials.]
Paul? Yeah Tom Calahan, here. Yeah we're fine. How about you? Say, we're having something of a family crisis over here. Brad has.... well...
[He listens]
No, nobody's pregnant. Brad seems to have fallen in with some Bible thumpers. Excuse me, I mean fundamentalists.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'd call them too, but it's a reflection on their mothers.
They've got him so worked up he can't even study. Costing me thousands of dollars a month to keep him in school and now all he's reading is crap. How Israel is shipping granite into the country and rebuilding the Temple of Nehemiah. That kind of thing.
Yeah, it never seems to wear out.
[He listens]
Allegorical huh.
Well he seems to think it's as real as the evening news.
[He listens]
Dispensationalism? John Nelson Darby?
So why don't they give up on this stuff if it's been around since 1902.
[He listens]
Yeah. Yeah. Well ok, maybe we'll see how it goes.
But what am I supposed to tell him? And even if I can dissuade him, isn't this going to lead to a crisis of some sort?
Ha ha. Yeah that's probably what he needs. Plenty of them around who are willing. Rich and willing at that school!
[He listens]
Yeah, ok. We'll keep you posted. See you in church.
[He hangs up.]
Paul says he's young. He'll get over it.
Mom:
Yeah, I gathered.
[Scene Change]
[Dressed appropriately, Mom and Dad are at the opera.]
[An aria or an ensemble is performed in front of them. When it ends, they begin a discussion.]
Dad:
So, what have we heard from our boy this week?
Mom:
He's thinking of transferring to Dallas Theological Seminary.
Dad:
[He abruptly stands up]
Waaaahhht?
Mom:
Sit down, Tom. You're rocking the boat.
Dad:
When did this happen?
Mom:
I talked with him this morning. I don't know what it's going to take to get him out of this. I'm thinking of calling one of those deprogramming psychologists.
Dad:
Good grief. For what that college is costing, you'd think they could educate such nonsense out of him.
Mom:
I can't imagine how he takes any of it seriously. The prejudice against Christianity in the academic crowd is pretty obvious. Western Civilization is public enemy number one. Even classical music is supposedly complicit in some kind of oppression. All very advanced thinking!
Dad:
Right! Disparage civilization, and leave kids to choose between fundamentalist Christianity and pornographic art.
Mom:
Shhhhhh!
Dad:
For this we pay taxes and tuition!
Mom:
Shhhhhh!
Dad:
[Trying to calm down.]
Well, at least, if he goes to that seminary in Texas, he might meet a woman who isn't out to castrate him!
Mom:
Tom!
[Music begins again. They listen.]
[Music ends.]
Dad:
He's going to throw away an engineering degree for a certificate from some Bible college in Texas! Why should I object? The president is from Texas. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Mom:
Yeah, and I hear the president's religion isn't much different from the crowd Brad has taken up with. That recent batch of Republicans in Washington are in lockstep about the Bible. You'd think they'd all gone to Dallas Seminary.
Dad:
Scary!
Mom:
People are entitled to their beliefs, but do we really want a president who thinks we're headed for Armageddon?
Dad:
And so when we vote, we're back to the same choice the kids have, Christian fundamentalists or blame-America liberals. Either way, I think we're going to have to visit this boy on his own turf and try to talk some sense into him.
[Scene change]
[Mom and Dad, dressed for travel, are in the motel room after their flight to visit Brad.
Suitcases are on the floor beside them.]
Mom:
Flying sure isn't what it used to be.
Dad:
Nothing is what it used to be. Look at me.
[Mom hugs and kisses him.]
Mom:
You're fine.
Dad:
You're doing alright, yourself, for a mother on campus tour. I'll bet you'll still turn a lot of heads. [He pulls her closer.]
Mom:
Now don't get revved up. We're not here for an escapade in a motel room. This is serious.
Dad:
[Sighs and releases her.]
Why don't you give the prodigal son a call. I need to flop for a while.
[He leaves to take a nap.]
Mom:
[She picks up the phone and keys in the number.]
Hi, Brad. We've arrived. How are you?
Oh good! So, how's your schedule? We have a rental car and can come any time. How about this evening for dinner?
[She listens]
Oh.
Well, there's no reason she can't join us.
[She listens]
Of course.
Just a friend? Or is there something you haven't been telling us?
[She listens]
More than a friend. But less than a lover.
[She listens]
Sorry, I don't mean to rush you.
What's her name?
Ok, give me some directions and we'll be there in an hour and a half.
[She hangs up the phone.]
[Scene change]
[Mom and Dad go into the restaurant and wait for Brad and his girl friend.]
Dad:
Maybe this girl has done our work for us. If she's got him whipped already, he's not likely to join a commune someplace and wait for the end of the world.
Mom:
The way he talked, I'd say she's had an effect on him. He sounded a bit like you did way back when...
Dad:
Before I got old and grumpy.
Mom:
Mainly grumpy.
Dad:
We had fun, didn't we!
Mom:
Remember when... .
Dad:
Do I ever!
Mom:
We went canoeing on the lake in the moonlight.
Dad:
And got marooned until morning. [He sighs.] That was one balmy night.
[They cozy up closer and reflect a while.]
Dad:
Would you marry me again if I asked you?
Mom:
Without a qualm.
Dad:
You're just as out of control as you were the first time. It must be my aftershave.
Mom:
I don't think it comes out of a bottle.
[They cozy some more.]
Dad:
I'm thinking that, with any luck at all, this will be the cure for our boy. Can you imagine him taking any girl he's interested in to a prophecy-interpretation seminar? Where they start off with sappy choruses and sing them until everybody is blue in the face? Brad may be gullible, but he's not dumb. He knows enough to realize she would head for the door as soon as that music starts.
Mom:
Unless he met her at one of those meetings!
Dad:
That's an even scarier thought. You didn't have to say that!
Mom:
She's probably perfectly normal. But if she comes in here carrying a Bible, I'm going to need a double highball.
Dad:
That newsletter you've been reading... You don't drink!
Mom:
I'm thinking of starting again.
Dad:
Brad isn't going to fall for a girl who carries her Bible into a restaurant. I know our boy. He's always done alright in that department.
Mom:
Well, he had a date with her, before I called. If they're headed for an Armageddon study after dinner, we can really start to worry.
Dad:
Sex and religion are a potent combination. This town has always had pimps and whores on Market Street. Now it's environmentalists and religious fanatics you have to worry about.
Mom:
It's not funny, Tom. Did you see the lines of homeless people along the streets?
Dad:
It's depressing, like a Biblical famine. The Four Horsemen.
Mom:
Now don't you start!
Dad:
I don't think we're at that stage yet.
So, where is our kid? He's late.
[They wait.]
Mom:
There they are, in the parking lot.
[She points out the window.]
Dad:
Well, she looks alright. In fact, I'd say Brad is coming to his senses. Not bad!
Mom:
Let's not get over-confident. She still may want to pray when dinner comes.
Dad:
She doesn't look the type. Anyway, isn't there a gospel about that--that recommends against praying in public? I can quote scripture too, if she wants to start anything!
Mom:
You are a case! Now behave, they're coming right at us. Look she is carrying something. What is it?
Dad:
She has the car keys. She's driving! She's a normal feminist witch, not a religious fanatic. Brad's saved!
Mom:
Shhhhhh! What am I going to do with you!
[Scene]
[Mom and Dad are in church. They stand to sing a hymn.
Then Dad starts fiddling with his portable computer. Mom looks at him disapprovingly.
He looks around and notices that others are watching, so he puts the device in his pocket.]
[They sit down]
[The reader reads the lesson.]
A reading from the Sixth chapter of the book of Revelation:
1 And when the Lamb opened one of the seals, I heard the noise of thunder, and one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
2 And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.
3 And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
4 And there went out another horse. The horse was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.
5 And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
6 And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not oil and wine.
7 And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.
8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and by beasts of the earth.
9 And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held:
10 And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?
11 And white robes were given unto each of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a season, until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.
12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth, and the moon became as blood;
13 And the stars of heaven fell to the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
15 And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;
16 And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:
17 For the day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?
The Word of the Lord.
Dad:
[Whispers to Mom]
Tell me this is a bad dream!
Mom:
Shhhhh!
[Dad gets out the pew Bible and flips pages until he finds the book of Revelation. He sits there reading until Mom nudges him.]
Mom:
Are you alright, Tom?
[He gets up without speaking. And they stand as if in line at the exit.]
[Finally they leave.]
[Scene change.]
[Dad in front of the Bible bookstore. He looks around to see if anybody is watching, then looks in the display window. Then he looks around again and darts into the store.]
[Inside he picks up one book then another until he finds what he's looking for.]
[He stands for a while reading, then finds another book, then another, and then goes to the register to pay for his selections. The clerk takes his credit card, swipes it, then hands the books back to Dad.]
[He hurries out of the store.]
[Scene change]
Dad:
I haven't felt like that since I bought a copy of Playboy magazine when I was fourteen years old. Those places are so...so... squishy!
Mom:
[Astonished.]
What were you doing there?
Dad:
I just want to read a little of this stuff.
Mom:
It's starting to feel a little squishy right now.
Dad:
[Sits down in a chair under a reading lamp. He looks at Mom, with some embarrassment.]
I need to check a few things.
[Mom shakes her head and leaves.]
[Dad reads for a while. Flips pages referring back to earlier passages. He gets up and digs around under the magazines and newspapers to find a Bible.]
[He looks back and forth between his newly purchased books and the Bible.]
[Finally he reaches for the telephone. He looks up a number and keys it in.]
Paul? Tom Calahan.
[He listens.]
Yeah fine. Say we're still on the same trajectory here. The world is headed for its demise, and Bradley is, well...
Say, I just want to ask about a couple of things... This business in the Book of Daniel about the four beasts and the image with feet of clay... . How could they have known then about Alexander the Great and the Roman Empire?
[He listens.]
Hard to verify such an early date of authorship, eh.
[He listens.]
Ok, but they do seem to have gotten part of it right. Quite amazing really!
[He listens.]
Uh, huh.
Yeah,
Uh huh.
Yeah, Brad seems to be doing alright. But I haven't seen his grades for the semester yet.
[He listens.]
Uh huh. Uh huh.
Well, look. I don't want to keep you. Say hello to Cathy. How's the building campaign going?
[He listens.]
Oh yeah, I've been meaning to get that caught up. Don't worry, the check is in the mail. You heard the one about the fellow who didn't pay his exorcist? Ha ha.
See you later.
[After he hangs up, he sits and thinks for a moment, then reaches again for the phone and calls Brad.]
Hi, Son. How ya doin'?
[He listens.]
That's great!
[He listens.]
Hey, I have a couple of questions.
About the Book of Daniel, remember the references you gave me. How can they verify the date of authorship on this stuff?
[He listens.]
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Uh huh
Yeah, ok.
You're keeping your course-work up to date now aren't you?
Ok.
How's it going with Andrea. She's not leading you around by the nose, is she? Women these days want to take over. Buck up, boy. Hold on to your shorts!
[He listens.]
Right!
That's good.
Well, listen, I have to go help your mother with dinner.
Later guy.
[He gets up and meets Mom at the dining room table. They sit. Then he gets up and goes to the book shelf and gets the Book of Common Prayer.]
[Mom watches in astonishment as he comes back with the book. He sits and thumbs the book until he finds what he's looking for.]
The Lord be with you.
Mom:
[Automatically]
And also with you.
Dad:
[Dad reads the prayer from BCP]
Mom:
Thanks be to God.
You aren't getting taken in by this prophecy business are you?
Dad:
[Stunned, he hesitates.]
Well, it isn't all bad. Some of it seems to have the blessing of the church.
Mom:
[Takes Dad's portable device and keys in a URL. She reads:]
"The cargo cults of the south pacific are founded on a familiar and common bit of fallacious reasoning: post hoc, ergo propter hoc. The residents of Papua, Yaliwan, Vanuatu and other places noticed that when the colonial occupiers built wharves and airstrips, the wharves and airstrips were soon visited by ships and airplanes delivering cargos of goods. They concluded that the ships and airplanes arrived as a consequence of building the wharves and airstrips, so they built their own wharves and airstrips expecting to receive their own cargoes."
So, just how much of religion is simply people engaging in the same fallacy: post hoc ergo propter hoc? Like Kevin Costner... you know, build it and they'll come. Maybe there was some coincidence when the shaman beat the drums and the rains came, so now everybody keeps beating the drums.
Dad:
Is this relevant? Weren't we talking about the apocalypse?
Mom:
Tom, you were the one just a couple of weeks ago yelling about all the money to be made in these end-times enterprises. The guys writing the books are doing very well!
Dad:
Well maybe it's allegorical. Like Paul says, it fits various historical periods. There's always an evil empire to contend with. And false religion. I'll bet you could make a case for separation of church and state out of this. The Republicans.... The president is really anti-Christ and Beverly LeHaye, the anti-feminist wacko, is the whore of Babylon!
Mom:
[Rolls her eyes.]
Tom, be serious! How are we going to help our son to grow up and get a life if his father is ranting about anti-Christ?
Dad:
You should read some of this stuff. I don't agree with it, of course, but everything going on in the Middle East is... think about it... germ warfare, chemical weapons... Have you ever read the Apocalypse?
Mom:
Of course not. I don't even go to that kind of movie.
Dad:
It's heady stuff. Francis Ford Coppola can't compete with the real thing!
Mom:
No doubt the hucksters selling the Biblical version are making more money than Coppola!
Act 2
[Scene change]
[Mom and Dad are hiking in the mountains in early summer.]
Mom:
Now I know why I've been using those exercise videos.
Dad:
Nothing like a hike up a bug infested mountain to kick-start the old metabolism.
[Mom takes a swallow of water from the water bottle and hands it to Dad.]
[He takes a slug and wets his handkerchief. He swabs his brow.]
I love to sweat! Hot sun and sweat that's what I like!
Mom:
It is beautiful out here.
Dad:
This is what Bradley needs--more exercise in the open air! He's been sitting in too many stuffy seminars. If he got out in the wilderness, it might clear his head.
Mom:
Maybe he'd become a hermit monk.
Dad:
Better that than a dispensationalist preacher.
Mom:
Is he absolutely certain this is what he wants?
Dad:
I've tried to reason with him, but it seems hopeless. There's no fire in his belly for anything else. If Andrea can't dissuade him, what am I going to say?
Mom:
I'd like to take him out on that ledge over there and hang him by his hair. He doesn't understand the consequences of this.
Dad:
All he knows is that he won't be able to get through any more engineering courses in his present state of mind. Paul says it's otherworldly. He's so otherworldly he's no worldly good.
Mom:
It used to seem that he could do anything. He had such energy and intelligence. And Andrea really loves him. And now he's going to transfer to that seminary. He wants to be saint--a useless saint! Andrea is a Catholic. She could have told him more about the saints than anybody at Dallas Theological Seminary.
Dad:
I'd rather he were a ski bum.
Mom:
I don't know what we did wrong, but we're paying for it now.
Dad:
We should stop paying his tuition!
Mom:
He'd just go to work in one of those bookstores or become a missionary, and run around raising support from everybody we know.
Dad:
If we don't cancel his credit cards, maybe this will quickly find its conclusion. Imagine what he's going to feel like in Texas, having abandoned his studies and a stunner girlfriend. It won't be long until he starts wondering how these ideas will play out if the world doesn't end.
Mom:
Yes, and we're back to the same question I've been pondering. How did the early church survive when the world didn't end?
Dad:
I'll tell you how it survived. Peter and Paul pulled up their pants and decided to make a world of the one left standing.
Mom:
You know there are lots of pretty girls in Texas. When Brad ends up married to one of them and has a couple of kids, he'll understand that you can't raise children on the idea that the world is about to burn.
[Scene]
[September 11, 2001]
[Mom is sitting at home reading. The phone rings.]
Mom:
Hello.
Yes. I put him on the plane a couple of hours ago. The traffic at the airport was pretty awful... .
Well about 2:30 Dallas Time.
Yes, of course, he's in the air maybe somewhere over Arizona or Nevada.
[She listens]
There's probably no reason to worry! Worry about what?
What?
[She gets up with the phone and turns on the television set. She listens to Dad on the other end of the connection and begins to watch what is happening on the television newscast.]
Yes, I'm fine.
They're grounding planes all over the country?
[She listens]
The World Trade Center is in New York.
But he's on a direct flight. Where else would they land?
He'll make it to Dallas, won't he?
[She sees the footage on television of the World Trade Center attack.]
My God!
The Pentagon? Two separate hijackings!
[She sits in stunned silence watching television and listening to Dad at the other end of the connection.]
No, I'm alright. You don't have to come home.
There's nothing you can do here.
I'm fine!
I'm sure he'll call when he's on the ground.
Yes.
I'll call you when I hear from him.
[She hangs up and sits watching televised news of the hijackings.]
[She gets the phone directory and looks up a number. She keys in the number and waits. It's busy so she hangs up. She tries this several times, but lines are busy.]
[She gets up and leaves the room.]
[Scene change]
[Dinner time. Dad is at the dining table. Mom comes and sets down a china bowl.]
[Dad opens the BCP and reads.]
The Lord be with you.
Mom:
And also with you.
[Dad reads the prayer from BCP]
[He closes the book.]
Mom:
It took him two hours to get from the gate through the baggage claim and another two or three hours to get a cab and find his connection on campus. By the time I heard from him it was nearly 5:00 o'clock our time.
Dad:
One hell of a day.
Mom:
Well, he's safe. It'll be a while before he gets on another airplane. We won't see him till Christmas now.
Dad:
Did he know what was going on? While they were still in the air?
Mom:
They apparently had no idea until they landed. It was pandemonium at Dallas International.
Dad:
No doubt.
Mom:
I imagine there are prayer huddles all over that campus tonight.
Dad:
Yeah, they'll have a field day with this.
Mom:
The beginning of the end!
Dad:
He's alive and on the ground. Thank you, Jesus. And no thank you, Mohammad.
Mom:
So where do they hit next?
Dad:
We're going to have to retaliate.
Mom:
That's what people are saying. But there's a lot of hand wringing about the root causes of terrorism and how this may be a revolt against American injustice--Bishop Tutu wondering whether Mary Magdalene and St. Francis "would have survived indictment" in the United States.
Dad:
Is the aristocracy of our church is trying to drive us into arms of the fundamentalists?
[Scene change]
[Dad and Mom come in, returning from a church service. They take off their coats and hang them on a coat rack. Dad sits down, but Mom paces around the room.]
Mom:
Where does she get off telling me I'm a racist. I give money to SPLC to counter David Duke and the Ku Klux Klan! Because I call terrorism an atrocity...and not a justifiable revolt against oppression... I'm a racist?
Dad:
Well, she said she could have been a terrorist.
Mom:
And Osama bin Laden is such a good looking man!
Dad:
Maybe she'd rather live in Afghanistan.
Mom:
Where they shoot little girls because somebody taught them to read!
Dad:
It was a good church service, but those fireside fellowships are just a forum for lunatics.
Mom:
We don't understand them. It's their culture! Women are beaten in the street because the veil has slipped, but we just don't understand!
Another ten minutes of that and I might have said something I'd regret.
Dad:
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Western Civ has got to go.
Mom:
I'm a racist, you're a racist, Billy Graham is a racist, for God's sake!
Dad:
She didn't miss anybody, did she? I hadn't seen Brother Billy for years, until the memorial service at the National Cathedral. He's one Evangelical preacher, anyway, who hasn't been in trouble with women or bilking the public.
Mom:
And I thought we were frrrr...[The phone rings.]
iends!
[Dad picks it up.]
Dad:
Hello.
Yes, Brad. Good to hear your voice, Son.
We're praying for you too. We just came from church.
Yeah, everybody's pretty riled. How are things in Texas?
George Bush seems to be holding his own even with union guys in New York.
It's a hell of a way to start your new course of study, eh?
Yes, I've finished the books, and a few more I found on my own. Yes, it probably does apply to this, but it probably applied to something else in the middle ages. And to the persecutions of the first and second centuries. Don't take it all literally.
Easy, Brad. During Nero's atrocities they thought that if the world didn't end, Christians would soon be extinct. The apocalypse didn't come.
Some things turned out to be salvageable.
Constantine made Christianity the religion of the Roman Empire.
Now don't start in on the Catholic Church. The Roman Church changed the world. It established certain things in human culture. Why do you think anybody takes the idea of human equality seriously? Jesus taught the poor and miserable that they were of as much value as people you read about in the history books. And the church, through its involvement in the world, planted its ideals in Western culture.
It used to be called progress. Now, of course, you can't say one culture is better than another or the thought-police are on you.
The Crusades? Yeah, the Crusades were horrific.
When the book of Revelation was written Nero could still make Christians into human torches to light up his festivities. There has been some development since then. That should be clear to everybody. Western democracy is better than the Taliban! The characters you're going to meet at Dallas Seminary are looking for the end of history, just like the rest of the nut-case academics in this country. I wish most of them would take their show to Iraq.
[Scene change]
[Mom and Dad are watching televised news of the War in Afghanistan.]
Dad:
That Rumsfeld isn't messing around. The president said he was going to smoke them out of their holes. But that's the biggest bomb we have short of the nukes!
Mom:
Isn't this going to turn into a quagmire? We'll be in Afghanistan for twenty years trying to create a democracy where people don't even know what it means.
Dad:
I wouldn't underestimate the Afghanis.
Mom:
Suppose Brad were on his way over there. Would you want him to spend his twenties in that wasteland?
Dad:
[Sits watching TV, not answering.]
Mom:
Well, would you?
Dad:
[Uncomfortable with this question.]
Probably not.
Mom:
So are you in support of this war, or not?
Dad:
I'm in support of this war.
Mom:
As long as it's waged by other people's sons?
Dad:
[He thinks about this for a moment.]
Where were you in 1970?
Mom:
I beg your pardon?
Dad:
In 1970, the freaks were blowing up buildings on my campus. I had, early on, accepted their logic for opposing the war in Vietnam, and I stayed in school. Then I drew a high number in the first draft lottery. It meant I wouldn't have to go. I wrote letters for friends who applied for Conscientious Objector status. The most coherent of the arguments was that of a guy who said he couldn't kill for a political ideology.
Mom:
Reasonable enough... .
Dad:
It seemed so at the time. Now I'd say that Western democracy is more than an ideology.
Mom:
That war was different.
Dad:
Maybe. But if I weren't too old for the armed services, I'd go to Afghanistan.
I remember discussing the Vietnam War with my father. He had a deferment during World War Two that would have kept him out of it. But he volunteered.
When I told him my reasons for opposing the war, he didn't argue. But he said I might feel differently about it someday.
The next time you hear me yelling at Brad because he's callow and gullible, you'll know that it isn't superiority that makes me angry... it's shame.
Mom:
Oh, come on. Everybody agrees that war was a mistake.
Dad:
Everybody we know! People who were educated in the sixties.
Mom:
Well, sure there were people who were loyal to the end. Some people supported Nixon--even after Watergate. He was being rehabilitated as an elder statesman a few years ago.
Dad:
Yeah, the left wouldn't recant even when Pol Pot murdered half the population of Cambodia.
People who didn’t go to college fought the war in Vietnam. Farmers and truck drivers. Guys who, ten years later, were still working in a saw mill. At my high school reunion, the veterans wouldn’t talk to me. There were guys on my football team who didn't come back. Lot's of black soldiers who didn't come back.
And boys from the Bible Belt.
Think about that…
Some of the most patriotic Americans are fundamentalists. Isn't it a bit odd that the people singing I’ll Fly Away and This World is Not My Home are the ones who realize that America is not the Beast of Revelation, but the noblest civilization in history of the world! The most fervent believers in this pinnacle of humanistic culture are Fundamentalist Christians and Dispensationalists from Texas!
In the mainline churches they understand that to have a church, and not some crazy sect, you need an appreciation of tradition and history. The clergy are people, like us, who were indoctrinated in the sixties. And most of them have trouble saying in public that American democracy is better than aboriginal tribalism. They're still selling the rhetoric they learned thirty years ago in the streets.
Act 3
[Scene]
[Mom and Dad enter for a church fund-raiser event.]
Mom:
Have you got the pledge card?
Dad:
No the volunteer wouldn't give it to me.
Mom:
Then how are we going to fill it out?
Dad:
She said we'd do that here. And they want a down payment!
Mom:
Aiyuuhhh! As if the maintenance pledge wasn't enough now they want another one for the building campaign. So you've written a check?
Dad:
Don't rush me. I'm trying to decide whether it'll be a million or only two hundred thousand.
Mom:
And you've been telling me we can't afford to remodel the kitchen!
[Mom notices all the people in the auditorium.]
Pretty good crowd.
Dad:
If they all have their checkbooks we can wind this thing up and start talking about something besides money around here.
[They wait, looking across the courtyard.]
Mom:
It's sad. After a hundred years, that marvelous old building cold and dark like that.
Dad:
Just be thankful you weren't going in there on Ash Wednesday when the earthquake brought down the façade.
Mom:
If that quake had hit us an hour later, we would have had real problems around here.
Dad:
For a hundred fifty people, I'd say it's a real problem raising five and half million dollars.
Mom:
You know what I mean!
Dad:
So has Brad called this week? I haven't heard from him at work.
Mom:
Yes, he called yesterday when you were skiing. He's taken on a part-time job of some sort.
Dad:
Well, no wonder I'm not hearing from him. He doesn't need money!
Mom:
He wouldn't tell me what he's doing, but, I think he is beginning to have some second thoughts about being born again in Dallas.
Dad:
Are they pressuring him to get baptized again, or what?
Mom:
Nothing like that, but the other kids don't seem to trust him. Apparently he found out that there was a rumor about him on campus. The gossip is that he has been married twice already and is paying alimony and child support.
Dad:
Oh for crying out loud. Sounds like a real soap opera.
Mom:
Next they'll say he's the guy who shot JR Ewing.
Dad:
He's going to find out what missionaries in Borneo feel like when culture shock sets in. It must be as hot as Borneo down there too!
Mom:
Apparently it's not so bad this time of year.
Dad:
If this is how they're treating him, I guess he won't be getting into any serious relationships. Maybe there's a chance this will just blow over.
Mom:
I just wish he would come home. If he has to work in a hamburger joint, why doesn't he do it closer to home, where people don't think he's some kind of alien. I grew up in a small town, so I know how ridiculous this stuff can get.
Dad:
Dallas isn't what I'd call a small town.
Mom:
It seems like it. There's something about this whole episode that is so retrograde. I've heard it said that, [accented drawl] at those preacher schools, they teach 'em to use a southern accent, even if they don't have one. [un-accented] It makes people feel like they're going back to a safer place--someplace rural and homey.
Dad:
I wouldn't be surprised at anything anymore. Uh oh, here comes that volunteer!
Mom:
Pay anything we can afford. If we can't salvage this church, somebody with a country drawl is going to [accented] come in here and build a mall with a smorgasbord church. They'll put up a big neon sign: Eat here and get saved!
[Scene]
[Mom sings an aria]
[The phone rings.]
Mom:
Oh, hello Andrea. How are you?
Yes. I miss him too. I thought I'd gotten used to an empty nest, but transferring to that school, he has me wondering, if I mean anything to him now.
In just a matter of months, he seems like a different person.
Have you heard from him?
It was a long time before he wrote me too, but I know his feelings for you are...
[She listens for a long time.]
Oh, boy! If I thought anything I could say would make a difference.
No, I don't blame you for not reading them.
[Dad comes into the room.]
[Mom listens while Dad probes his portable computer.]
Mom:
Don't let him talk you into anything. I don't think he's happy in Texas himself, and it's clear you wouldn't be either.
I admire his conviction, but I think he's off on a tangent.
Sure, I know you will.
I'm glad you called.
[She hangs up.]
Dad:
That boy is one sick puppy.
Mom:
He's driving Andrea nuts. She really loves him.
Dad:
That girl has class! What Brad needs is a wallop across the head with a two-by-four.
Mom:
He didn't write her for weeks, then she started getting long letters about the Bible. Prophecy interpretation, and quotes from the book of Revelation that align the Catholic Church with apostate religion. Though he didn't say so, he apparently wants her to convert and transfer to Dallas seminary. If he loves her, it's going to take a very different kind of pitch to keep her.
Dad:
You mean it wasn't my philosophical discourses that made you want to spend your life with me?
Mom:
You're interesting, but no... You're cute.
Dad:
Oh brother! And you wonder why I'm grumpy.
Look, if those two are meant for each other, the whole faculty at Dallas college won't be able to keep them apart.
Mom:
I remember when he told me they wanted to go to the Shakespeare festival in Ashland. What a great place, outdoor theater under the stars... .
I wish they gone and stayed four days.
Dad:
Why couldn't he just take a course in the Bible as literature and let it go at that!
One of these days, he's going to realize that you can't do anything in this world without money.
Look at this.
[He points to a figure on his portable computer.]
The market is trying to recover, but we're still down about thirty thousand dollars. How long can this go on?
Mom:
Ouch! Get us out while there is still something to get.
Dad:
I think it'll come back. This shock to the economy is only temporary.
Mom:
That's what gamblers say.
[The phone rings.]
Dad:
Hello.
Yeah, uh, hi Ben.
[He listens]
Well, I suppose I can help, but team captain? I'm not a salesman, man. Let me see if I can do this before you make me into a honcho fund raiser.
But...
but...
I got into one of those multi-level marketing deals once, selling long distance telephone service. I couldn't even sign up my mother.
Ok, what time is the meeting?
Five thirty? You know what the traffic is like coming from the east side that time of day.
Oh, I didn't know you worked over here too. Yeah ok.
Sure thing. Thanks a lot, buddy! See you later.
[Mom waits for an explanation.]
The pledge drive at church is in need of some volunteers. For some reason Ben thinks I should be a team leader. I told him I'm not Zig Ziglar. I don't have any influence.
I've been drafted. Sometime the only ability they want is your availability. If the NFL worked like this, I'd be a running back for the Seahawks.
Mom:
How are a hundred fifty people going to raise five and a half million dollars?
Dad:
The plan is to raise half of it, then try to find support in the community. Maybe this old church means something to the city. It's a registered historical landmark.
Mom:
So was the old music hall, but nobody could make any money in that building. The preservationists held out for a long time, but now it's gone.
Dad:
It's not going to be easy, but the early church had to contend with Nero. All we have to do is convince people that history and culture are important, even if they don't show up in church on Sunday.
Mom:
This isn't a culture-conscious town. It was built by loggers and fishermen. Now we have Bill Gates. A fine philanthropist, he supports medical research and technology, but culture? Come on!
Dad:
We've built two sports stadiums with public funds. You'd think people would contribute to keep the oldest church in the city from being replaced by another high-rise office building.
Mom:
Maybe we could do some promotional events at the football stadium. There are lots of people who would pay to see Christians thrown to the lions--the academic crowd, the ACLU, most of the Democratic National Committee these days.
Dad:
Ben would have trouble getting anybody to volunteer. But that I might be qualified to do.
Mom:
It could be easier than asking for money!
[Scene]
[Dad is at work, talking to his financial advisor on the phone.]
Dad:
What the hell is going on with this fund, George? Every time I look at my statement it gets worse. My blood pressure can't take much more of this. At this rate when I retire, I'll have to live in my car. My wife isn't real keen on this idea.
Investors are gun shy...keeping their money on the sidelines...
Yeah that's understandable, George, when the CEOs are robbing them blind!
A couple more bankruptcies like Enron and World Com and we're all going to be broke. The banks are going to be broke. You know what they say: if I owe you five thousand dollars and can't pay, I've got a problem; if I owe you five million and can't pay, you've got a problem!
What kind of slime bags are these guys? They're running multibillion dollar enterprises into the ground while putting hundreds of million into their pockets. And from what I can gather, most of your colleagues in the brokerages were still recommending Enron up to the day it came down on our heads.
Pretty incestuous relationship with the people doing the IPOs I think.
Don't tell me about risk. There seems to be no risk if you're on the inside of this deal. The game is rigged.
Get me the hell out. Sorry man.
Where am I going to put it? I could put it in my mattress and do better than you guys have been doing.
Well, yeah, I might be interested in some kind of treasury fund.
Capital preservation fund? Yeah right. What you guys need is a capital resuscitation fund!
Send me the prospectus, and I'll let you know.
[He hangs up the phone.]
[He thinks for a moment, then calls Mom.]
Dad:
Hello, Love. How's the weather over there?
Yeah, I guess I should go out for a walk. I'm not accomplishing anything here. I'm losing more money in the market everyday than I can earn.
Yeah, let's talk about something else.
[He listens.]
So they're going to get their trip to the Shakespeare festival. Well that's nice.
Man, August already! Where is the summer going?
So, who is going to blink, our son, or the Pope? He seems pretty serious about Andrea, but I don't think he's going to talk her out of her church. And he's determined to be a martyr for his.
Me? No we've decided against going into the arena to sell our building campaign. The lions at the zoo are already too well fed to attack.
We might have a case for convincing a lot of people that business ethics have eroded in absence of religion in public life. If they're losing money at the rate we are, it shouldn't be too hard to convince them that things were better when executives went to church.
And we didn't have this stand-off between fundamentalist Republicans and secular fundamentalists.
Yeah, everybody is entitled to an opinion. But they're not entitled to rip off our retirement. The SEC might come up with tighter controls on the economic kingpins, but without the Puritan ethic capitalism is out of control.
Yeah, let's talk about something else again. You start.
What do you mean? You don't know where he's going. I thought they were going to Ashland. Are they going play house for the rest of the summer?
Just a weekend in Ashland. Ok. Sure, I believe Andrea. Is Brad's story not consistent?
Two weeks? If she isn't going with him, where is he going? If he wants any money, he's going to have to explain.
No, he hasn't been asking for money. This is all very strange.
Yes, if he calls, I'll tell him we love him. I'll be home soon, Sweetheart. Bye.
[He gets up and leaves.]
[Scene]
[Mom and Dad have just finished dinner. They sit and converse.]
Mom:
That Linda is such a scream! She was telling us about her son and his... she calls her his concubine!
So she says, "My son and his concubine have been with us for a year and a half." The girl is apparently working three jobs--I imagine all at minimum wage. And Linda says with complete dead pan expression, "And my son has submitted applications for employment." He apparently graduated a few months before he moved back in with Mom and Dad.
Dad:
And I thought we had problems!
Mom:
Linda says, "I have been trying to get him to do basic things, like flush the toilet." Trying to be sympathetic, I told her a bit about our worries with Brad. She said, again with that hilarious dead-pan, "Does he flush?"
What am I going to say? "Yes, as far as I know, but he's not living at home; he's in Dallas learning how to persuade people that the world is doomed and the next likely event is the descent of scorpions as big as lobsters out of the sky."
Dad:
The world has gone nuts. If it doesn't end, it's going to turn into a cuckoo's nest, but, instead of Nurse Ratched, in charge, it will be Madonna, encouraging everybody to express themselves in the way most natural to them.
Bring in the rock and roll bands. Madonna will absolve you.
Mom:
God is dead!
Dad:
Nietzsche is dead! And so is Ken Keasey! Jesus Christ! There was a time when you had to be serious about it to be an atheist.
[He reflects for a moment.]
Ah well. It was fun while it lasted.
Mom:
Nietzsche was never fun. You must mean Ken Keasey.
Dad:
Yeah, Ken Keasey... and Kerouac. Those guys could make you believe this is all great fun--one joy-ride, electric kool-aid acid test. To hell with Nurse Ratched. Get Chief Broom to throw the generator out the window. With no juice for shock therapy, Big Nurse and the powers of repression are unplugged.
Kerouac succumbed to alcoholism and depression and Keasey burned out on drugs.
But they were entertaining. I don't know when I've laughed so hard, all the way through Darma Bums. It was a great read.
Mom:
Now don't get nostalgic. You still have to go to the volunteers' meeting at church.
Dad:
Yeah, yeah, I suppose it's that time already.
[He kisses her and leaves.]
[She calls Andrea on the phone.]
Mom:
Hello, Andrea. How's it going?
[She listens quite a while.]
Oh my. Get out and do something. You can't spend your time waiting for him. After last summer I thought you two had worked things out.
That makes it even harder. He's always been a serious guy, but he can't be studying all the time, can he? How long has it been since he called?
There are long stretches when we don't hear from him either.
Well, take one of them up on it. There are lots of good fish in the sea. If you aren't more interesting to him than his philosophy courses, it's never going to work.
No, you're not a wimp. You're a woman with a heart. Brad is on one of his tangents, and I hope he comes around in time... before you completely lose interest.
By the way, did he ever tell you where he was going after your trip to the Shakespeare festival?
Back to Texas... . Well there was no reason for him to go back to Texas until nearly the end of September. There are two or three weeks unaccounted for. He's doing something to earn his keep; and I suppose that's good. Education is supposed to be the only commodity people try to get as little of as possible for their money. He's certainly getting his money's worth, but he seems so serious, and I do wish he would stay in touch with the rest of us.
Go out and enjoy yourself. Always good to talk with you. Bye.
[Scene]
[Church music.]
[Mom and Dad sing the hymn. When it ends they talk while moving toward the exit.]
Mom:
Good music this morning!
Dad:
Some of these hymns, people have been singing for five hundred years. For over a hundred years right here on this real estate.
Mom:
I'm really going to miss this place if the building campaign doesn't succeed.
Dad:
The Methodists have decided to build an office building.
Mom:
I hope they can rent the space when they're finished. Occupancy is way down right now.
Dad:
You spent too many years as an urban planner! Even if they can rent the space, it's a crime to demolish that old building.
Mom:
The music will never be the same. Can you imagine trying to do the Brahms Requiem in a conference room?
Dad:
They'll bring in the electric guitars and praise choruses. That's what seems to be selling.
Mom:
I'm not so sure it's the guitars and choruses that are selling. Sure, those mega-churches sound like a rock concert, but if all those people are looking for is pop music, they can find it someplace else than church.
Dad:
Probably better.
Mom:
If we started schmoozing it up with pop music, do you think it would bring in any of the people who still live around here?
Dad:
The Presbyterians are trying that. Last I heard there were about fifty people meeting in a sanctuary that holds upwards of a thousand.
Mom:
So what's the problem? There are thousands of people living within walking distance of these churches.
Dad:
People just don't go to church like they used to.
Mom:
You might think so, watching television, but that simply isn't true. The pop culture churches are getting a lot of press, but the Roman Catholic Church is adding millions of new members. It's the fastest growing church in actual numbers.
Dad:
The way things have been going for the Catholics, lately, we might be able to engage is some profitable sheep-stealing.
We could put up a sign, up there by St. James Cathedral.
Hey, we're neat
We've got tradition
Come down the street
Forget about perdition!
Henry the Eighth?
He's in perfidy
Don't hesitate
We've got your liturgy!
Mom:
Cute!
Dad:
Well, if we can't raise the funds to keep the doors open here, I suppose we could become Catholics.
Mom:
Shhhhhh.
Dad:
Orthodox?
Mom:
While you're making other plans, you might want to remember you have a life. When Brad graduates and gets a job at one of those shopping mall churches, are we going to play the game? I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I'm willing to pretend those suburban mega-plexes are the same thing as the historic Church.
Dad:
Well, you know, there are now more black Episcopalians in Africa than there are Americans and Brits in our church. They don't sing Bach and Mozart.
Mom:
They don't have Bach and Mozart! It's different here. Asking us to substitute Barry Manilow for Bach is like the imperialism you hear about in Africa, where the missionaries go in and destroy African art and culture. If the church isn't going to preserve its music, who is? Pandering to the crowd doesn't change the world.
Dad:
So what are we going to say to our son? For starters, are we going to his graduation in Dallas? It's less than two months.
Mom:
Well, yes, of course, we're going. Do you want me to get the plane tickets?
Dad:
I suppose so.
[Scene]
[Dad is talking to Brad on the phone.]
Dad:
Look, I'm not accusing you of anything. I just don't understand. Where is the money coming from? Are you smuggling drugs in El Paso?
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I've always had to earn enough money to live...and I'm not paying eight thousand dollars a semester in tuition. It hasn't been coming out of my bank account, and you aren't making that kind of money flipping hamburgers!
Is it a church job?
Have you taken out a loan?
Ok, ok. Yes, I trust you. I'm sure there is a good explanation. But I don't understand what kind of part-time job pays enough money to support you in that town in that school.
[Mom comes into the room. She shakes her head to show disapproval. Dad takes the hint and ends the conversation.]
Sure, ok. We'll be seeing you.
Adios. Hasta la vista.
Mom:
I'm sure he has a perfectly good job that is paying his bills. Maybe he already has a job at one of those mega-churches.
Dad:
He says it's not a church job.
[She stands there, perplexed.]
[Dad picks up a newspaper and points to an article he has been reading.]
Dad:
Look at this. There are now about five and a half million kids between the ages of 16 and 24 who can't find any kind of work, a veritable army of disaffected young people. I thought it was bad for adults, but this is a demographic catastrophe waiting to happen! Where the hell are the Roosevelt Democrats?
Mom:
Brad is going to be alright. He has a college education. Even if he can't find exactly what he wants to do for a while, he'll be able to get a job. It seems he already has a job.
Dad:
He says he has a job. And whenever we've seen him in the past two years, he's been fine. If he was dealing drugs, he'd, more than likely, have a problem of his own to support. He must be doing alright in school if he's going to graduate.
Mom:
Let's eat. Dinner's getting cold.
[They sit at the dining table. Dad reads the prayer from the BCP]
Dad:
Have you heard from Andrea?
Mom:
Not for months. I think she got tired of waiting. Last I heard she was planning to take a summer job in Jackson Wyoming. Apparently as a horse-back riding instructor.
Dad:
That's right, she's an equestrian. I don't know what her daddy does, but he makes money at it. All that sex appeal and rich! Brad, I could just wring your neck!
Mom:
He really seems to have blown it. She's not the kind who has to sit around waiting for the phone to ring.
Dad:
Does he know she's making other plans?
Mom:
I don't think so. He seems to be expecting to pick up where they left off last summer. He's in for a shock!
And all he would have had to do was call her regularly and show some interest in what she was doing instead of being so intent on his strange ambition. They even seemed to have gotten past the battle of the churches.
Dad:
You know, he has been making more sense lately. When he talked about his philosophy courses, he actually was sounding intelligent again, not like a radio preacher.
Mom:
With any kind of luck, he could have married Andrea and lived a normal life.
Dad:
Well, he'll probably recover, but this isn't going to be any fun for a while.
Mom:
You seem to understand this better than I do.
Dad:
Well....
Mom:
So, have you loved and lost?
Dad:
Let's just say, I understand that young women don't like to play second fiddle to a man's ambitions.
Talking to Brad, lately, I have the sense that he has some drive again. That's a good thing. I thought he'd frittered it away when bad faith got him on the hook.
There's a time for everything, like the Bible says, “a time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together. A time for love, a time for hate”, or is it war?
I'll have to look that up.
There was a song back in the sixties... .
Mom:
And the young woman who waited... .
Dad:
She didn't wait long.
Mom:
But you loved her?
Dad:
I did...and for a long time after she cast me off.
Mom:
You're cute.
Dad:
Oh for God's sake!
[He starts to leave, but she gets up and starts after him. He turns around and goes back to give her a hug.]
Act 4 (Conclusion)
[Scene]
[Mom and Dad enter for the graduation in a hall with a few chairs and a flag. A Texas rancher wearing a ten gallon hat comes in from the other side. Then a woman from New Hampshire.]
Texan:
Well, howdy. Ya' ll here for the graduation?
Dad:
You bet!
Texan:
This don't look like it's gonna be much of a party.
Dad:
Maybe there'll be a Bar-B-Que later?
Stan:
Well if there ain't, you 'n me 'ill head down the road and find us one.
Dad:
Sound's good to me, but my wife's a vegetarian.
Stan:
She's a gonna starve in Texas.
[Mom looks on disapprovingly.]
Dad:
Just kidding. We tried that for a while after we got married, but you know, these things peter out.
[The New Hampshire woman enters.]
Texan:
Well, hi. And how're you, ma’am?
New Hampshirer:
Just fine. Fine. Are you the master of ceremonies?
Texan:
Naaahhwwww!
New Hampshirer:
Well, I'm Ethel Oglethorp.
And your name is?
Texan:
Stanley Jensen. You can call me Stan.
[The New Hampshire woman looks at Mom and Dad expectantly.]
Mom:
I'm Cynthia Alston, and this is my husband Tom Calahan.
Texan:
[Noticing that they have different last names.]
Yeah, that's the way they do nowadays!
[Mom introduces herself and Dad to the Texan.]
Mom:
Hi, Stan. Very nice to meet you. And you already know Tom.
Stan tips his hat.
[Dad removes his sunglasses and he and Stan shake hands.]
Stan:
Well, welcome to Texas. Hot enough for you?
Ethel:
If Texas gets any hotter, you can change its name to hell.
Stan:
And where d' ya' ll come from? …Ethel?
Ethel:
New Hampshire. My sister's cousin's grandson is graduating. Nobody else would come, but I'm not afraid of a few Baptists.
Stan:
Hah, hah, ever'body round here's a Baptist. Or a Church a' Christ-er. But this school, it's kinda special. It don't even have a football team, but people come from all around. To sit and think on Revel-a-shun.
Ethel:
Well, this school is accredited and it has some fine scholars. They must do more here than that.
Stan:
Oh, yeah, it ain't all about Revelation. But that's kinda the main thang. My son has been tellin' me 'bout it for years, and this seemed like the only place he'd be satisfied with.
Dad:
[To Mom]
Sound familiar?
Mom:
Oh my!
[Stan hasn't missed this exchange, and he elaborates.]
Stan:
I don't know what good it'll ever do 'im. Punchin' cows you don't need to be on a first-name basis, or even speakin' terms with Ant-I-Christ.
I tried to tell 'im not to worry about that stuff, 'cause when the time comes, he'll find out soon enough.
But whadayuh gonna say to a kid who's set his heart on a school without a ball team.
[To Dad]
So I gather you got a young un who's just as wrapped up in this stuff as mine.
Dad:
You got it, Brother.
Stan:
'Tain't all bad, I su'pose. If it's in the Bible, there must be sump'in to it.
'Round here they're big on the doctrun of the IN-air-an-see of scripture. That's all right if they say so. These pro-fessors are real PRO-fessors. They got white whiskers and tweed-ie sport coats an' all that. Like you got up 'n Noo Ham-shire.
Ethel:
Oh yeah, we've got tweedy professors. Divines. We've got one of them in the family, which is why nobody else would come here. I think it'd be a shame to have a graduation and nobody from the family in attendance. They didn't say that exactly, but, you know, they had commitments. If Mom and Dad are too committed to attend their own son's graduation... . Well, I just think it's a shame.
Mom:
It is a shame!
Stan:
Well, hell, if ya seen one college with tweedie professors, ya seen 'em all! Never worked a day in their lives, these guys, but they've got press-teege. Sashay around like they was an assistant manager at the bank! Call 'em selves Deconstructionists. They're the perfect complement to a Church a' Christ-er REconstructionist.
Dad:
I think you've got a point there, Stan.
Stan:
What affiliation are you?
Mom:
We're Episcopalians.
Ethel:
Oh, so are we!
Stan:
E-pigs-coh-payleons. Yeah, we got a few of them around here. They got a reel nice church on Rodeo Drive. Kinda like a Catholic Church with no Mexicans.
Dad:
Yeah that's it. It's pretty easy to get along, but they'll send you to hell if you eat the salad with the shrimp fork.
Stan:
[He slaps Dad on the back.]
Ha, hah. Good one!
So do Pigs-coh-payleons go in for Revelation?
Dad:
Oh, yeah. As long as you don't take it literally. You know, The Four Horsemen are not war, famine, pestilence, and death. They're war, famine, nerve gas, and biological agents.
Stan:
So, we can agree on the war image. That's my 'ter-pre-tashun. That part of the Bible is fine for when there's a war on. The rest of the time, we're better off ta' just steer clear of it!
Dad:
I can't argue with that.
Mom:
Well, I think today we've greatly advanced the cause of Ecumenism.
Stan:
At least you Pigs-co-payleons don't have to cow-tow to the Pope.
Dad:
No we cow-tow to the latest trends.
Ethel:
If it's intellectually fashionable, we're for it.
Mom:
Maybe we should all just sit down and shut up!
Stan:
Yeah, I guess it's 'bout that time.
[They sit.]
[Stan leans toward Dad with his program in hand. He points to a column of names on the program.]
Stan:
At least my boy is going to get a commission out of this. He's already a second lieutenant. The ROTC program on this campus is first rate.
Dad:
Yeah, he'll learn some technical skills in the army. It's not a bad deal.
[Dad looks at his program. It falls from his hand just as the National Anthem begins to play.]
[They stand for The Stars Spangled Banner.]
[When the music stops, Dad picks up the program and leans over to Mom.]
Dad:
Well, the miracle of paying tuition and living in Dallas with no visible means of support is finally explained.
[He points to a name in the column on the program.]
Brad joined the army reserve. He'll be on active duty before the summer is out.
[Mom ponders this for a moment. She looks at Dad for a reaction.]
Mom:
Now, what are you going to say to him?
Dad:
[He thinks for a moment with his eyes closed.]
I'll tell him I'm proud of him.
[The End]
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